Pornified_How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families by Pamela Paul

Author:Pamela Paul [Paul, Pamela]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Feminism, Sociology, Psychology
ISBN: 9780805077452
Amazon: B003J5UIWI
Goodreads: 799743
Publisher: Times Books
Published: 2005-09-08T00:00:00+00:00

Time for Porn

A man has only so much sexual energy. Especially once he’s past his sexual peak and easing into his thirties, it’s not easy to reach orgasm two or three times a day. Many men are drawn to pornography because it’s an emotionally and physically easier route to sexual satisfaction than dealing with another human being, even a willing partner, wooing and pleasing her. Yet pornography further drains men of sexual and emotional energy. In the 2004 Elle-MSNBC.com poll, 45 percent of men who used Internet pornography for five or more hours per week said they were masturbating too much, and one in five confessed they were having sex less often with their partners. Which isn’t surprising, given that 35 percent said real sex with a woman had become less arousing and 20 percent admitted real sex just couldn’t compare to cybersex anymore. “What bothers me is, he claims he’s too tired to make love with me, yet he’s not too tired to go to these sites and pleasure himself,” writes a woman named Madison on the Web site iVillage, under the heading “Husband Porn Watching Hurts My Feelings.” “As far as me not being able to reach orgasm, this is going to sound a wee bit gross, but I am able to reach orgasm … just not with him anymore…. He’s turned me down so many times claiming he’s tired that I often take care of it myself.” Dear Dr. Shoshannah, writes another woman on iVillage, to the resident advice columnist, “My husband won’t stop looking at porn. He knows that I don’t approve and how much it hurts me, but he still does it…. The worst part is that I know he does it while I’m at work, and he’s home with our 10 month old son. How can I make him stop?”9

Many men nonetheless feel the right to reserve a place and time for their pornography. Jonah, the religious-school teacher, cherishes his time alone with porn, a time when he can pursue interests that exclude his fiancee. He likes to view hardcore S&M, going through different phases and fetishes: women in prison, genital torture, rape enactments, water bondage. It excites him to see a woman restrained and helpless, with the man firmly in control. “I like to hear women crying out in pain,” he says. “I have these impulses and dark desires, and porn is a way to vent them in a healthy way.”

What Jonah likes in pornography is not necessarily how he lives out sex in real life. Though he admits to harboring a lot of anger, he considers himself gentle and considerate, not violent in the least. His sex life with Stephanie, his fiancee and girlfriend of six years, sticks to the tame side. He would like to try light bondage with her—just tying her up, no violence—and she has agreed, but Jonah fears being out of control with her; it’s safer to confine those desires to porn. And that means he’s getting sexual satisfaction from someone else.

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